“Still I wonder if we shall ever be put into songs or tales. We’re in one, of course; but I mean: put into words, you know, told by the fireside, or read out of a great big book with red and black letters, years and years afterwards. And people will say: ‘Let’s hear about Frodo and the Ring!’ And they’ll say: ‘Yes, that’s one of my favorite stories.’ ”

- - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Two Towers from The Lord of the Rings

number three please

jack and sally had a race to see who could tie their shoelaces the fastest; of course terrance won because he has velcro

number four please!

get me a fridge to dig a whole hole in the sky!

fifty sent:

i don’t know what you’ve heard about me

but you can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t get a dollar out of me

no cadddididididilacycles, no worms, you can see

that I’m a C.H.I.N.K.

number five please!

tell the sleeping homeless man to give me his foodstamps, STAT; otherwise blink-182 will put a watermelon on my leg - - the painful square kind, not the kindly round kind

I seen a giraffe jump 16 feet underground vertically and eat a mole shaped cloud

“We were told there was a village nearby that might enjoy our skills.”

“You were misinformed,” Buttercup told him. “There is no one, not for many miles.”

“Then there will be no one to hear you scream,” the Sicilian said, and he jumped with frightening agility toward her face.

- - W. Goldman, The Princess Bride

Islam's answer to Sigmund Freud

"Want to hear a Russian joke?" Rostov said as they climbed the side of the valley toward the road. "Brezhnev was telling his old mother how well he had done. He showed her his apartments - huge, with western furniture, dishwasher, freezer, servants, everything. She didn't say a word. He took her to his dacha on the Black Sea - a big villa with a swimming pool, private beach, more servants. Still she wasn't impressed. Finally he said, 'Mother, mother, why don't you say something? Aren't you proud?' So she said, 'It's wonderful Leonid. But what will you do if the Communists come back?' "

Rostov roared with laughter at his own story, but Hassan only smiled.

"You don't think it's funny?" Rostov said.

"Not very," Hassan told him. "It's guilt that makes you laugh at that joke. I dont' feel guilty so I don't find it funny."

Rostov shrugged, thinking: Thank you Yasif Hassan, Islam's answer to Sigmund Freud. They reached the road and stood there for a while, watching the cars speed by as Hassan caught his breath.

Rostov said, "Oh, listen, there's something I've always wanted to ask you. Did you really screw Ashford's wife?"

"Only four or five times a week," Hassan said, and he laughed, loudly.

Rostov said, "Who feels guilty now?"

- - K. Follet, Triple

but the fact was

He had to ask her to the dance.

But he didn’t. He flunked.

“So,” said Pickles, “if you asked her to the dance, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“The worst?”

“Yeah. Seriously.”

Eddie thought about it. “Well…I guess…she could say…”

“Say what?”

“…say…no?”

Pickles snapped his fingers. “Bingo. She could say no. Is that going to kill you?”

Eddie knew that here he was supposed to say, Nah, of course it’s not going to kill me. But the fact was, if she did say no, it would kill him.

Pickles read this in Eddie’s face. “That bad, huh?”

Eddie shrugged.

- - J.S. Do The Funky Pickle

I dedicate this to the girl who took my taxi; well, the hot chocolate wasn’t bad but it turned out that thirty-six-ninety was the number after all

I’m home, home (delete repeated word?) and deranged where the buffalo roam, cloned and the man with the earrings said, “did I do that?” it turned out he was steve urkel’s cousin. big world.

but it turned out that that account # 29683 was actually my cousin's dog's brothers. not mine, and i cried tears of mirth. but one man's mirth is another man's sorrow and so i began to look to tommorrows yesterday, meaning next wednesday..............

The October girl was born in the 16^th month of Novemoctober at the ripe age of 45. she lived to be 13 years old. “Dear thing,” she used to say to me as the tall man in the red grinned and removed his blindfold. I nodded. She slapped my face.

i laughed at the man who peeled a potato with a banana (said with a british accent) but - - it worked. he sure showed me.

Theorem: a cat has nine tails.

Proof:

No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore,

a cat has nine tails.

I know a clown who can make me laugh. But inside, he is sad. Inside, he has diarrhea.

lies and sighs, from hypnotize

the deaf man screamed but no one could see him

i'm breathing in water and i'm drunken with power

the 6 fingered widow sat at the door and watched as the youth drove by, on his way to christmas eve's passover dinner

the two headed coin landed on tails and everybody won

the sweater on the cat

“e” equals mc squared only if the deck of cards has twin Kings and the finger’s clutch the black circle

the sweater on the cat read “F C U K” but I rode on a 5 wheel bicycle as the band played on

four pairs of jeans

more war machines

in heaven so I cried out send me hell

guns cough and spit out empty shells

hello ; I lie, goodbye goodbye; as the war man sways from side to side

nations infatuation with inflation inflate the dollar

dress shirts striped and dotted without collars

next: look, text book propaganda

the speaker’s speak ; the heater’s heat

defeat’s feet smell like cheese

(i’m lactose-intolerant and therefore a vegan but I still like cheese and goat’s milk)

winter is determined by whoever can cut their hair the fastest; no bald women allowed

the seagull is not allowed in a cathedral