J U S T 1 F 1 C A T 1 I O N

I can't be your superman

2005-12-24T15:27:00.000-08:00

"We can be friends ; I'll call you again
I'll chase you around every bar you attend
Never know what kind of car I'll be in
See how much you'll be partying then
You don't want that; neither do I
I don't want to flip when I see you with guys
Too much pride, between you and I
Not a jealous man but females lie
But I guess that's just what sluts do
How could it ever be just us two
I'd never love you enough to trust you"

- - M. Mathers, Superman

I Don't Mind At All

2005-12-24T15:22:00.000-08:00

"My darling," she said at last, "are you sure you don't mind being a mouse for the rest of your life?"

"I don't mind at all," I said. "It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like so long as someone loves you."

- - R. Dahl, The Witches

matthew and terrance present - - asian philosophy [ lite ]

2005-12-11T19:06:00.000-08:00

Terrance.chipbarkmoo. just look, just look at you, pretty and perfect... says:
its like yesterdays garbage but flipped into the heart shaped stains you've left on your slippers

- - - d v 8 i'm da vinci says:

lol

he laughed out loud, "LOL LOL LOL", in that strange way he did, as the kitchen cabinets cried, "did you turn off the tap?" the giraffe in the window nodded but stated rather meanly, "the light bulb burned out."

we cried. we loved that light bulb

Terrance.chipbarkmoo. just look, just look at you, pretty and perfect... says:
Seven days and all we've got is this poetic tragedy lingering at our doorsteps
Don't tell the maid, cause she'll most definitily say..."Hundred and one reasons for me to sleep"

- - - d v 8 i'm da vinci says:
I eyed the sign - - which said "I I I". "Ai, Ai, Ai" i read aloud.

"no my dear boy" the hat said behind me. i spun around, but the hat had no head under it - - or above it for that matter; "it's pronounced 'okaly dokaly pokaly', not 'Ai Ai Ai' " it laughed.

I threw it on the ground and sat on it.

"you farted," the hat said.

Terrance.chipbarkmoo. just look, just look at you, pretty and perfect... says:
Remember the times when we froliced down upside down bridges and concaved trees?
Bleed.
Bleed.
Bleed.
Just give me a reason and a half not to take this organ and throw it in front of your flaming house you flaming plate of disease.

- - - d v 8 i'm da vinci says:

i tried to take her - - my favorite girlfriend (shes my friend whos a girl, not a girlfriend) and i tried to frolic. instead, i bra-licked.

which sounds the same and even rhymes, but is in fact quite a different action.

she screamed and turned red.

to this day, i do not know if she liked it or not

Terrance.chipbarkmoo. just look, just look at you, pretty and perfect... says:
They call it a hicky
Even though its not sticky
You talk about licking
And at home medicating
On these burned out non-scented candles
And we're falling
But not up
This time its down

- - - d v 8 i'm da vinci says:
the lead singer of the band (he wore a cowboy hat and a lab coat while he played, because he thought it was a good thing to do - - you know, in case any hot cowgirls or scientettes came by), the lead singer came by and said, "bad news. my jupiter fly trap died today."

i laughed. "you mean venus fly trap."

he showed me the label. written in crayon, it was probably the most credible piece of construction paper certificate i had ever seen.

"w-w-w-w-well i'll be damned." i stuttered.

Terrance.chipbarkmoo. just look, just look at you, pretty and perfect... says:
crayon writtin bandages under this snapped fendi caned boy
we'll call this home

and quits.

- - - d v 8 i'm da vinci says:
i tried to put my key in her ignition, just like in the song. but it didn't really work as well. my honda key didn't fit into her grand-am.

i was pretty embarrased.

"Serving # 4!"

2005-12-11T14:08:00.000-08:00

"Serving # 4!"

I clutched my # 5 tightly - - my hands grew slightly sweaty. Rightly so - - some idiot had set the thermostat too high - -

"It's hot as blazes in here!"

I turned my head to see a curiously fat woman. She was wearing an amusing assortment of scarves - - in this weather! I thought, wanting to shake my head in wonder; what nerve. She was sweating as well, disgustingly so - - standing behind me. She made me ill, cheeks and forehead glistening as she stood, nostrils flaring slightly as she breathed.

She breathed in the remotest definition of the word. No, I was incorrect - - she drank the air - - drinking it in as a beached whale does - - loudly and wetly.

I peeked at her number.

"# 92, eh," I stated flatly, while shaking my head in an unsincere sympathetic motion. "That's going to be quite a wait."

Two rather large elderly people (was everyone in here obsese?) waddled by, and I caught a glimpse of their rather stranger conversation.

"...And so, the reason the crayola's will cost 20 dollars is because they are pre-sharpened - - "

"Pre-sharpened! Ha! I have a 99 cent pencil sharpener that does the same thing!"

The rather hippo-ish woman in back of me drew my attention quickly to her by sniffling loudly. What cheek, I thought, and with a condensending air I did not feel, I added: "I'm next."

"Serving # 92!!"

And she was gone.

- - - dreaming during sunday morning sermon - 1

2005-11-25T20:30:00.000-08:00

“Still I wonder if we shall ever be put into songs or tales. We’re in one, of course; but I mean: put into words, you know, told by the fireside, or read out of a great big book with red and black letters, years and years afterwards. And people will say: ‘Let’s hear about Frodo and the Ring!’ And they’ll say: ‘Yes, that’s one of my favorite stories.’ ”

- - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Two Towers from The Lord of the Rings

number three please

2005-11-25T20:14:00.000-08:00

jack and sally had a race to see who could tie their shoelaces the fastest; of course terrance won because he has velcro

number four please!

get me a fridge to dig a whole hole in the sky!

fifty sent:

i don’t know what you’ve heard about me

but you can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t get a dollar out of me

no cadddididididilacycles, no worms, you can see

that I’m a C.H.I.N.K.

number five please!

tell the sleeping homeless man to give me his foodstamps, STAT; otherwise blink-182 will put a watermelon on my leg - - the painful square kind, not the kindly round kind

I seen a giraffe jump 16 feet underground vertically and eat a mole shaped cloud

2005-11-23T14:59:00.000-08:00

“We were told there was a village nearby that might enjoy our skills.”

“You were misinformed,” Buttercup told him. “There is no one, not for many miles.”

“Then there will be no one to hear you scream,” the Sicilian said, and he jumped with frightening agility toward her face.

- - W. Goldman, The Princess Bride

Islam's answer to Sigmund Freud

2005-11-22T16:23:00.000-08:00

"Want to hear a Russian joke?" Rostov said as they climbed the side of the valley toward the road. "Brezhnev was telling his old mother how well he had done. He showed her his apartments - huge, with western furniture, dishwasher, freezer, servants, everything. She didn't say a word. He took her to his dacha on the Black Sea - a big villa with a swimming pool, private beach, more servants. Still she wasn't impressed. Finally he said, 'Mother, mother, why don't you say something? Aren't you proud?' So she said, 'It's wonderful Leonid. But what will you do if the Communists come back?' "

Rostov roared with laughter at his own story, but Hassan only smiled.

"You don't think it's funny?" Rostov said.

"Not very," Hassan told him. "It's guilt that makes you laugh at that joke. I dont' feel guilty so I don't find it funny."

Rostov shrugged, thinking: Thank you Yasif Hassan, Islam's answer to Sigmund Freud. They reached the road and stood there for a while, watching the cars speed by as Hassan caught his breath.

Rostov said, "Oh, listen, there's something I've always wanted to ask you. Did you really screw Ashford's wife?"

"Only four or five times a week," Hassan said, and he laughed, loudly.

Rostov said, "Who feels guilty now?"

- - K. Follet, Triple

but the fact was

2005-11-21T20:36:00.000-08:00

He had to ask her to the dance.

But he didn’t. He flunked.

“So,” said Pickles, “if you asked her to the dance, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“The worst?”

“Yeah. Seriously.”

Eddie thought about it. “Well…I guess…she could say…”

“Say what?”

“…say…no?”

Pickles snapped his fingers. “Bingo. She could say no. Is that going to kill you?”

Eddie knew that here he was supposed to say, Nah, of course it’s not going to kill me. But the fact was, if she did say no, it would kill him.

Pickles read this in Eddie’s face. “That bad, huh?”

Eddie shrugged.

- - J.S. Do The Funky Pickle

2005-11-20T19:18:00.000-08:00

I dedicate this to the girl who took my taxi; well, the hot chocolate wasn’t bad but it turned out that thirty-six-ninety was the number after all

I’m home, home (delete repeated word?) and deranged where the buffalo roam, cloned and the man with the earrings said, “did I do that?” it turned out he was steve urkel’s cousin. big world.

but it turned out that that account # 29683 was actually my cousin's dog's brothers. not mine, and i cried tears of mirth. but one man's mirth is another man's sorrow and so i began to look to tommorrows yesterday, meaning next wednesday..............

The October girl was born in the 16^th month of Novemoctober at the ripe age of 45. she lived to be 13 years old. “Dear thing,” she used to say to me as the tall man in the red grinned and removed his blindfold. I nodded. She slapped my face.

i laughed at the man who peeled a potato with a banana (said with a british accent) but - - it worked. he sure showed me.

Theorem: a cat has nine tails.

Proof:

No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore,

a cat has nine tails.

I know a clown who can make me laugh. But inside, he is sad. Inside, he has diarrhea.

lies and sighs, from hypnotize

the deaf man screamed but no one could see him

i'm breathing in water and i'm drunken with power

the 6 fingered widow sat at the door and watched as the youth drove by, on his way to christmas eve's passover dinner

the two headed coin landed on tails and everybody won

the sweater on the cat

2005-11-20T19:14:00.000-08:00

“e” equals mc squared only if the deck of cards has twin Kings and the finger’s clutch the black circle

the sweater on the cat read “F C U K” but I rode on a 5 wheel bicycle as the band played on

four pairs of jeans

more war machines

in heaven so I cried out send me hell

guns cough and spit out empty shells

hello ; I lie, goodbye goodbye; as the war man sways from side to side

nations infatuation with inflation inflate the dollar

dress shirts striped and dotted without collars

next: look, text book propaganda

the speaker’s speak ; the heater’s heat

defeat’s feet smell like cheese

(i’m lactose-intolerant and therefore a vegan but I still like cheese and goat’s milk)

winter is determined by whoever can cut their hair the fastest; no bald women allowed

the seagull is not allowed in a cathedral